he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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