Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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