every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
