Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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