I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
