it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize