I just made out with a guy for $7.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
