12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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