Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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