how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
