OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
