I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
