I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
