I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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