just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
