Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Randomize
