So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
