Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
