So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
