How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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