god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
This house was built for laser tag.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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