I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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