Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
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