If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
