you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
