my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
you had me at cake vodka
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
