From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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