Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
