I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I just pynch a tree in the face
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
