I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
