I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
