i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
