it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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