im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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