i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize
