his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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