I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
