Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
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