she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
