Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
