You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
