did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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