I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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