Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
