Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
