just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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