i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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