alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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