I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
