I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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