Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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