I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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