watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
