It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
