If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
