you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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