I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
